©Cathy's Corner - Jokes (Clean) #2

CLEANING TIPS

Dirt: Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 15 and leave it alone.

Cobwebs: Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look confused and exclaim "What? And spoil the mood?" (I just throw glitter on them & call them holiday decorations)

Pet Hair: Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children. (Also keeps out cold drafts in winter)

Guests: If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

Dusting: If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "This is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes."

Painting: Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior did this the week before that horrible accident and I haven't had the heart to clean it."

General Cleaning: Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly.

Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself on the couch and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere."

As a last resort, light the oven, throw a teaspoon of cinnamon in a pie pan, turn off oven and explain that you have been baking cookies for a bake sale for a favorite charity and haven't had time to clean...Works every time.

RULES OF LIFE

Sometimes we need to remember WHAT the Rules of Life really are.

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three alcoholic beverages of any kind.

2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use the WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn't, use the duct tape.

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right."

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was: "Go! You might meet somebody!"

7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her - believe them.

8. Learn to pick your battles. Ask yourself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?"

9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

12. Work is good, but it's not that important.

13. And finally; Be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

SOME THOUGHTS

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't believe children should be having sex.

If trees could scream would we still be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might if they screamed for no reason.

Out of my mind...back in five minutes.

Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around a campfire and nobody got scared.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer come out your nose.

I may be inconsistent, but not all the time.

It's not an optical illusion...it just looks that way.

Always remember you're unique...just like everyone else.

I don't drink water. Fish piss in it.

I have an open mind. It's just closed for repairs right now.

You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me.

Support Search & Rescue - Get lost!

Rehab is for quitters.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Is there another word for synonym?

A Nobel Peace Prize - I would kill for one of those.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped?

Boycott shampoo - demand real poo!

90% of all statistics are made up.

Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars, I thought "Where the hell is the ceiling?"

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.

This is my favorite time of day. Well, there it goes.

Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Everything goes on forever since the fat lady retired.

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.

Dain Bramaged.

If ignorance is bliss, then you must be orgasmic.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Sign above a urinal: "Your child's future is in your hands."

My ambition is to live forever. So far, so good.

If you keep your feet firmly planted on the ground, you'll have trouble putting your pants on.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

It's kind of embarrassing when the bartender knows your name and you've never been to his bar.

I'm willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not sure.

What if this weren't a hypothetical question?

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

Never wrestle with a pig. You get all dirty, and the pig likes it.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls down.

I say no to drugs. They just don't listen.

I'm not cheap, but I'm on special this week.

The hardest part of skating is the ice.

I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.

I never watch Sesame Street. I know most of that stuff already.

Many who expect to be saved in the eleventh hour die at 10:30.

I had a friend once. Then the rope broke and he got away.

It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.

Energizer Bunny arrested! Charged with battery.

Do Lipton employees get coffee breaks?

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

What has four legs and one arm? A happy pit bull.

I have found at my age that going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.

Some people leave a mark on the world, other just leave a stain.

I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures.

What happened to the first 6 "ups"?

I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck in my nose.

Tell your little voices to "SHUT UP". I can't hear mine.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

The saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it little friend.

A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Minister walk into a bar. The bartender says: " What is this, some kind of joke?"

How do you know when yogurt goes bad?

When cheese gets it's picture taken, shat does it say?

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

How can you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Every 10 seconds on this earth there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

I locked my coat hanger in the car. Good thing I had my keys.

Earn cash in your spare time...blackmail your friends.

You DO NOT need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

I'm not schizophrenic. You only think we are.

Back up my hard drive? How do I get it in reverse?

I'll live forever, or die trying.

Sometimes you can observe a lot just by watching.

Therapy helps, but screaming obscenities is cheaper.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

The only real difference between me and everyone else is DNA. Everything else is just politics.

I know everything. I just can't remember it all at once.

The secret to finding something is knowing where it is.

Explanation of God

This one is fabulous!!!

It was written by an 8-year-old, Danny Dutton of Chula Vista, CA, for his third-grade homework assignment. The assignment was to explain God. Wonder if any of us could do as well?"

EXPLAIN GOD

One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die, so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth. He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way He doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leaves that to mothers and fathers.

God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times beside bedtime. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this.

God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting His time by going over your Mom and Dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have.

Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come to our church.

Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work like walking on water and performing miracles and people finally got tired of Him preaching to them and they crucified Him. But He was good and kind, like His Father and He told His Father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said "O.K."

His Dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and all His hard work on earth so He told Him He didn't have to go out on the road anymore. He could stay in heaven. So He did. And now He helps His Dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones He can take care of Himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary, only more important. You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to help you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time.

You should always go to church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God. Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong. And besides the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway.

If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He's around you when you're scared in the dark or when you can't swim and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids.

But...you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and He can take me back anytime He pleases. And...that's why I believe in God.

The Helpful Teacher

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when thelittle boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on -- this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to.

Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."

She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up all the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."

THE SEVEN WONDERS

A group of students was asked to list what they thought were the present Seven Wonders of the World. Though there was some disagreement, the following got the most votes:

1. Egypt's Great Pyramids
2. Taj Mahal
3. Grand Canyon
4. Panama Canal
5. Empire State Building
6. St. Peter's Basilica
7. China's Great Wall

While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one quiet student hadn't turned in her paper yet, so she asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list.

The girl replied, "Yes, a little. I couldn't quite make up my mind because there were so many."

The teacher said, "Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help."

The girl hesitated, then read, "I think the Seven Wonders of the World are:

1. to see
2. to taste
3. to touch
4. to hear

She hesitated a little, and then added,

5. to feel
6. to laugh
7. and to love

The room was so full of silence you could have heard a pin drop.

Those things we overlook as simple and "ordinary" are truly wondrous. This is a gentle reminder that the most precious things in life cannot be bought. God gave them to us. Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect, it just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.

21st CENTURY TEACHER

21st Century teacher applicant

Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning. Not only that, I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, behaviorally modify disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and T-shirt messages.

I am to fight the war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for guns and raise their self-esteem. I'm to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, how and where to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook and how to apply for a job.

I am to check their heads occasionally for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of potential antisocial behavior, offer advice, write letters of recommendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage respect for the cultural diversity of others, and, oh yeah, always make sure that I give the girls in my class 50 percent of my attention.

I'm required by my contract to be working on my own time summer and evenings at my own expense toward advance certification and a master's degree; and after school, I am to attend committee and faculty meetings and participate in staff development training to maintain my employment status.

I am to be a paragon of virtue larger than life, such that my very presence will awe my students into being obedient and respectful of authority. I am to pledge allegiance to supporting family values, a return to the basics, and to my current administration. I am to incorporate technology into the learning, and monitor all Web sites while providing a personal relationship with each student. I am to decide who might be potentially dangerous and/or liable to commit crimes in school or who is possibly being abused, and I can be sent to jail for not mentioning these suspicions.

I am to make sure all students pass the state and federally mandated testing and all classes, whether or not they attend school on a regular basis or complete any of the work assigned. Plus, I am expected to make sure that all of the students with handicaps are guaranteed a free and equal education, regardless of their mental or physical handicap. I am to communicate frequently with each student's parent by letter, phone, newsletter and grade card.

I'm to do all of this with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a 45 minute more-or-less plan time and a big smile, all on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps in many states. Is that all? And you want me to do all of this and expect me . . . . . . . .

NOT TO PRAY?

THE "BIG" THINKER

One day a mouse was walking on the banks of a river that ran through the jungle. He saw a Hippopotamus in the water and shouted to the Hippopotamus, "Hey you, come out of the water onto this bank, NOW". The Hippopotamus lumbered onto the bank as requested. The mouse then said, "OK, you can get back in the water now".

The mouse continued walking along the bank until he came upon a lion having a little dip in the river. The mouse shouted across to the lion, "Hey you, up here, on this bank now!". The lion was a little concerned about this 'jumped up' mouse giving him orders but he complied and climbed up onto the bank. The mouse then said, "OK, you can get back into the water now". The lion shrugged and returned to the river.

The mouse continued his trip along the banks of the river until he came across an elephant having a good old soak. The mouse shouted to the elephant. "Hey you, Mr. Elephant, up here on this bank now!". The elephant lumbered out the water and was then told by the mouse to return to the water.

The elephant however was a little bit annoyed about having his soak disturbed so he said to the mouse, "What is going on? I've just seen you call the Hippopotamus, the lion and now me out of the water, why are you doing this?".

The mouse replied, "When I find out who stole my swimming trunks, I'll kill him!".

PERKS OF BEING OVER 40

1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.

10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

15. You sing along with elevator music.

16. Your eyes won't get much worse.

17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

18. You can't remember who sent you this list.

NATURAL HIGHS

Read this slowly and really think about it! Take a few minutes and read these. Think about them one at a time BEFORE going on to the next one.

IT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD......

Falling in love.

Laughing so hard your face hurts.

A hot shower.

No lines at the Super Wal-Mart.

A special glance.

Getting mail.

Taking a drive on a pretty road.

Hearing your favorite song on the radio.

Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.

Hot towels out of the dryer.

A long distance phone call.

A bubble bath.

Giggling.

A good conversation.

The beach.

Finding a $20 bill in your coat from last winter. (Or girl scout cookies)!

Laughing at yourself.

Midnight phone calls that last for hours.

Running through sprinklers.

Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.

Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.

Laughing at an inside joke.

Friends.

Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.

Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.

Making new friends or spending time with old ones.

Having someone play with your hair.

Sweet Dreams.

Hot chocolate.

Road trips with friends.

Swinging on swings.

Wrapping presents under the Christmas tree while eating cookies and drinking eggnog.

Making eye contact with a cute stranger.

Winning a really competitive game.

Making chocolate chip cookies.

Spending time with close friends.

Seeing smiles and hearing laughter from your friends.

Holding hands with someone you care about.

Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change.

Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much desired present from you.

Watching the sunrise.

Getting out of bed every morning and thanking God for another beautiful day!!!

Cathy's Corner

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