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Ask Jonah

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though they are very large mammals, their throats are very small.

The little girl stated Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

The teacher reiterated a whale could not swallow a human; it was impossible.

The little girl said, "I believe it because God said so."

The teacher said that a book, even the Bible, could not go against biological facts. And besides, there was no proof that there really was a God anyway.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

The Turkey Shot out of the Oven

The turkey shot out of the oven and rocketed into the air,
It knocked every plate off the table and partly demolished a chair.

It ricocheted into a corner and burst with a deafening boom,
Then splattered all over the kitchen, completely obscuring the room.

It stuck to the walls and the windows, it totally coated the floor,
There was turkey attached to the ceiling, where there'd never been turkey before.

It blanketed every appliance, it smeared every saucer and bowl,
There wasn't a way I could stop it, that turkey was out of control.

I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure, and thought with chagrin as I mopped,
That I'd never again stuff a turkey with popcorn that hadn't been popped.
 

Help

Brothers Joe, Larry and Tim were moving furniture. While Joe and Larry were struggling with a particularly heavy oak wardrobe, Joe noticed that Tim was nowhere in sight.

"Larry, where's Tim?" asked Joe. "He should be helping us with this thing."

"He is helping," said John, "He's inside holding the clothes hangers in place!"

Dumb Blonde

A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is
hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher.

"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!" she cries.

The 911 dispatcher says, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way. He will be
there in two minutes."

Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 911 dispatcher's
telephone rings a second time, and the same blonde is on the line again.

"Never mind," giggles the blonde, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

Oil Shortage

There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an
oil shortage here in the USA.

Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for this is purely
geographical.....

All the oil is in Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, Wyoming, New Mexico, etc.

All the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.

Jewish Lunch

A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the
park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. Since Jews do not eat
leavened bread during the eight day holiday, he was eating Matzoh, a flat
crunchy unleavened bread that has dozens of perforations.

A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling
neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man.

The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and
finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this crap?"

The Family Bible

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he
fingered through the old pages. Suddenly something fell out of the
Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it closely. What he saw
was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered:
"I think it's Adam's underwear."

If...

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no
fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can do all these things,
Then you are probably the family dog!

The Horse Race

A 55 year old man who was born on May 5, has been married 5 years, has 5 children, makes $55,555.55 a year, who's lucky number is 5 receives a phone call from a friend. The friend informs the man that a horse named Lucky 5 will be running in the fifth race at the local track that evening.

Excitedly, the man withdraws 5,555.00 cash from his bank account, goes to the races and bets on Lucky 5.

Sure enough the horse comes in fifth.

Obedience

Tom had won a toy at a raffle. He called his 5 kids together to ask
which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked.

The children all stared back at him in silence.

Then he asked, "Who never talks back to mother?"

Again the kids appeared to be mystified by the question.

Then Tom asked, "Who does everything she says?"

With that question, the kids were finally able to come to a conclusion. The five small voices answered in unison, "Okay, dad, you get the toy."

Buying a Pet

A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left costs $500."

"Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered.

The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."

The man asked about the next parrot on the perch. "That one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system."

Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot. "That one costs $2,000."

"And what does that one do?" the man asked.

The owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"

God's Bulletin Boards

Some new billboards are popping up all along major highways all over the country depicting some things God might say. The billboards are a simple black background with white text with no fine print or sponsoring organization listed. Here's a list of all variations of the "God Speaks" billboards:

Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game. - God

C'mon over and bring the kids. - God

What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand? - God

We need to talk. - God

Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer. - God

Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage. - God

That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it. - God

I love you and you and you and you and... - God

Will the road you're on get you to my place? - God

Follow me. - God

Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding. - God

My way is the highway. - God

Need directions? - God

You think it's hot here? - God

Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test. - God

Do you have any idea where you're going? - God

(And my personal favorite...)

Don't make me come down there. - God

Dear Abby

Dear Abby:

My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but he has cheated our entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and supporters. They know he is a lying cheat, but they just avoid the issue. He is a hard worker but many of his co-workers are leery of him. Every time he gets caught, he denies it all. Then he admits that he was wrong and begs me to forgive him. This has been going on for so long, everyone in town knows he is a cheat. I don't know what to do.

Signed,
Frustrated

Dear Frustrated:

You should dump him. Now that you are finally a New York Senator, you don't need him anymore.

Help

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter. When she returned to her car she found that she had locked her keys in the car.

She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter. She didn't know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby-sitter what had happened and that she didn't know what to do. The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse.

She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door." The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this." So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help.

Within five minutes a rusty old car pulled up. In it was a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "God, This is who you sent to help me?" But she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.

The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car - I must get home to her. Please, please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank you so much. You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I'm not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Thank you, God, for sending me a professional."

Sharing

A little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over to the old couples' table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together.

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food.

After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady. "Ma'am, why aren't you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you're waiting for?"

She answered..."The teeth."

Things I've Learned From My Children

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 x 20 foot room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh", it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.

11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin has a 5 minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy and cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

 

 

 

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